WARNING. Long and rambling, with potentially controversial topics. Proceed at your own risk.
As a kid, I was encouraged to discover and follow my own beliefs, whatever they might be, as long as they weren't harmful to anyone. In elementary school, I wanted to go to Sunday school like everybody else did, so my parents dutifully dropped me off every Sunday for a couple of years. When I was in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade, my mom was into Wicca, Paganism, and New Age spirituality. You know, quartz crystals and all that jazz. She has since lost interest, but where she dropped it, I took off with it. I made the mistake of telling kids at school I was a witch, and received endless torment. I tried to stick up for my beliefs (even if they were, at first, a little misguided - I really thought that witchcraft was like it was in Harry Potter. I learned that that wasn't the case pretty quickly.), but as I got older, I became more interested in fitting in and being "normal". There were a couple of times that I decided to "repent" and be a Christian, but I always went back to Paganism. Each time, though, I became less and less vocal about it. Today, it is actually a little painful for me to reveal my interest in such a "weirdo" religion. I even have a hard time speaking - or typing - the words "witch" or "witchcraft." It fills me with crippling embarrassment and I'm terrified that friends and acquaintances will write me off as one of those delusional hippie freaks. And honestly, it's really because I myself am terrified that I actually am one of those people, despite the fact that I know, logically, I'm simply just a little more open-minded than others.
On the other hand, I cannot deny that I am drawn to certain aspects of Christianity. It's much more simple to have just the one God, and I crave the structure and organization it possesses. I can't deny the appeal of its mainstream status and how accessible it is. I also truly believe in the things that Jesus preached, as well as the Ten Commandments (common sense, really). However, I have a hard time accepting most everything else in the Bible as truth. So, to actually be what most people define as Christian would be a major problem for me.
On top of all of this, I feel like my beliefs contradict each other in that one part of me feels like religion in general is a ridiculous concept invented by man, and another part of me is inexorably drawn to being extremely religious. And, I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about my musings and questions, because it's a weird, outta nowhere topic for pretty much all of my close friends. So, hello world, that's where this blog post is coming from.
I suppose that it comes down to answering the question, "What do I really believe?" But it's not that simple, because I don't fully know, and it changes a lot. I know this is something that most thinking people go through, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of what I have to say on this topic, but I've rambled quite a bit already, and I'm starting to not make sense (I am having to revise each sentence over and over), as I am a bit exhausted and it is late. I am sure I will revisit this subject at a later date and elaborate more on my thoughts and feelings. Good night world, I have a bed to get to, and class at 9 in the morning.
