+ The Actress.
This is probably the strongest of 'em all, as it is a rare moment when I don't want to be in front of a camera or audience. Most people seem to know this one about me, so I don't feel much of a need to go in depth.
+ The Artist.
Not very consistent at all, yet somehow everyone seems to know this one about me as well. I am only in the mood to draw on certain occasions; however, the IDEA of drawing is always appealing to me. It's good to know I have talent here, however small or large. This part of me is not very hard to merge with the rest, usually.
+ The Writer.
This one isn't quite consistent either, but with the premiere of "Half Empty" this weekend, I think people are starting to realize that this one exists in me as well. However, many famous writers, including J. Michael Straczynski, noted as the creator of Babylon 5 among a zillion other amazing scripts, has said that one is either born a writer, or is not. This is something that, living with a definite born writer, I have been questioning in myself a lot lately. Throughout my life, I have written a good many poems, and have started on a number of stories and scripts, but am I a true writer? Sometimes I burn to write, and sometimes... well, I don't. The most successful and truest writers are those who write all the time, which I definitely don't. So I have to wonder, am I really a writer?
+ The Pagan.
This one is really embarrassing for me. Really embarrassing. Why? I think it's because of some stupid things I did as a child, not fully understanding Paganism/Wicca as a religion, and it led to a lot of teasing and stupid questions. Plus, I know the majority of people out there think it's a lot of horse shit. Well, I don't blame them, but mainly because I don't think they know fully what it is. It's really not a lot of different from most any other religion, just with different details, a lot of theatricality (hmm, wonder why I love it so much...), and more of an emphasis on the mystical. It still teaches you the Golden Rule of "Do unto others" and whatnot. The media has gotten the whole thing all wrong, so I have a hard time "coming out of the broom closet" when I am aware of all of the preconceived notions about this form of spirituality. Also, I know a lot of people who aren't spiritual at all, and think ALL religion is horse shit. Well, who wants to be thought of as some batshit crazy kook? Not me, that's for sure. So... while I like this part of myself, I have an especially hard time integrating it into the rest of my life.
+ The Goth.
This one has kind of died since mid-high school, but sometimes I still want to revive it. I can't help but love gobs of black eyeliner, Hot Topic, and all things Tim Burton. I think my biggest beef with trying to go back to these roots is that a) it takes a lot of effort to do it right, and b) I don't want to fuck it up and look like I'm trying too hard. So, I don't try at all. And now it's kind of dead. :-(
+ The Fashionista.
This is the exact opposite of the above persona, but takes just as much effort. In my horrible tendency toward indecision, I usually just do nothing, and result in making no fashion statement at all with my comfy jeans and t-shirts. Plus, jeans and t-shirts are just that - comfy.
+ The Nerd.
Sometimes I nerd out and want to play video games and RPGs, and watch a lot of Buffy, Doctor Who, or something related. This isn't so embarrassing, especially since I hang out with similar folk, but it's not always there. I often feel like this part of me, when it surfaces, negates all of those above "artsy" personas, because when I get in this mood, I don't feel creative at all. Which is weird, because Travis is totally opposite: he wants to write this stuff. I don't, I like to write about real life taking place in this world, so I feel all self-contradictory when I'm in this mode. I also feel all weird about it when I get into the fantasy element of it, because things like Buffy, Charmed, and Harry Potter perpetuate the misconceptions that my Pagan personality is so against, yet I can't help but enjoy them.
And there are so many more of these little moods and personality facets that don't surface nearly as often, but are still there inside nonetheless. So, I have to say, what the hell? Does everyone struggle to deal with these self-contradicting aspects of themselves? Well, at least I know that the majority of these aspects of my personality are very "fringe"; I'm definitely not a mainstream girl. But my interests and moods span such a wide variety anyway that it's hard to find a niche where I'm always happy.
Okay, my brain's starting to hurt, so I think it's time to put the introspection on hold and go... well, I dunno which of these moods I'm in now, but go do SOMETHING else. :-)
