Struggling with faith and religion

WARNING. Long and rambling, with potentially controversial topics. Proceed at your own risk.

I don't often talk about my religious/spiritual beliefs because a) it's usually not appropriate for casual conversation, and, more importantly, b) I can get kind of "out there" with them, and am super self-conscious about it. I also get uncomfortable when many of my Christian friends quote the Bible or speak in a religious manner, even though I have absolutely nothing against their beliefs. I think that, much like one's sex life, spiritual beliefs should be a private matter. However, lately the concept of faith and religion have been weighing fairly heavily on my mind. Which, I guess, is not hugely different than usual, because I have always been a pretty spiritual person (much to some peoples' surprise, I am sure) and am actually incredibly fascinated with religion. I grew up in a pretty non-religious household, so the thought of being religious is both repulsive and compelling to me.

As a kid, I was encouraged to discover and follow my own beliefs, whatever they might be, as long as they weren't harmful to anyone. In elementary school, I wanted to go to Sunday school like everybody else did, so my parents dutifully dropped me off every Sunday for a couple of years. When I was in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade, my mom was into Wicca, Paganism, and New Age spirituality. You know, quartz crystals and all that jazz. She has since lost interest, but where she dropped it, I took off with it. I made the mistake of telling kids at school I was a witch, and received endless torment. I tried to stick up for my beliefs (even if they were, at first, a little misguided - I really thought that witchcraft was like it was in Harry Potter. I learned that that wasn't the case pretty quickly.), but as I got older, I became more interested in fitting in and being "normal". There were a couple of times that I decided to "repent" and be a Christian, but I always went back to Paganism. Each time, though, I became less and less vocal about it. Today, it is actually a little painful for me to reveal my interest in such a "weirdo" religion. I even have a hard time speaking - or typing - the words "witch" or "witchcraft." It fills me with crippling embarrassment and I'm terrified that friends and acquaintances will write me off as one of those delusional hippie freaks. And honestly, it's really because I myself am terrified that I actually am one of those people, despite the fact that I know, logically, I'm simply just a little more open-minded than others.

On the other hand, I cannot deny that I am drawn to certain aspects of Christianity. It's much more simple to have just the one God, and I crave the structure and organization it possesses. I can't deny the appeal of its mainstream status and how accessible it is. I also truly believe in the things that Jesus preached, as well as the Ten Commandments (common sense, really). However, I have a hard time accepting most everything else in the Bible as truth. So, to actually be what most people define as Christian would be a major problem for me.

On top of all of this, I feel like my beliefs contradict each other in that one part of me feels like religion in general is a ridiculous concept invented by man, and another part of me is inexorably drawn to being extremely religious. And, I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about my musings and questions, because it's a weird, outta nowhere topic for pretty much all of my close friends. So, hello world, that's where this blog post is coming from.

I suppose that it comes down to answering the question, "What do I really believe?" But it's not that simple, because I don't fully know, and it changes a lot. I know this is something that most thinking people go through, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of what I have to say on this topic, but I've rambled quite a bit already, and I'm starting to not make sense (I am having to revise each sentence over and over), as I am a bit exhausted and it is late. I am sure I will revisit this subject at a later date and elaborate more on my thoughts and feelings. Good night world, I have a bed to get to, and class at 9 in the morning.

Life is (mostly) good.

So, my one Thursday class was cancelled this morning, and I have alllll day to do whatever I please. Yeah, there are some things that really need to get done today, but knowing me, I'll leave them till like, late tonight. Because if there is one thing in this world I'm really good at, it's procrastination.

School's been alright, though every single one of my professors seem to be physically incapable of posting grades, so I'm not 100% sure how I'm doing in my classes. English is the one I'm most anxious about, next to History. It's hard to focus on core classes when your major is so demanding. I'm pretty sure I'll pass, but I'd really like to come through with at least a B. An A in either of those classes is nearly impossible at this point.

I'm excited to start on Fight Boy Theatre's new show, What Actually Happened (An Unbiased and Entirely Accurate History of Denton, TX). Auditions are April 17 and 18, and I'm just gonna be an actor this time around. I've also taken over the Facebook page and the Twitter account, and I'm especially proud of my work on Twitter account, as I went in and made the profile look pretty.

Finally started writing some of my novel. I have a feeling this little project is going to take me years.

I am looking to put in an application to The Lasso, TWU's newspaper. They have a Staff Writer position open, and I think I am perfect for the job. I'm just waiting for them to get back to me about how to apply. Cross your fingers for me, I really want this.

I'm just still astounded at how much I really love my school. I actually have some school spirit. Having hated school all my life, I'm pleasantly shocked at this new feeling. I love the campus, the professors, and the students. It's actually sort of fun, if you can call school fun. However... I am ready for this semester to be over. I'm a little worn out.

I'm also looking forward to Arts & Jazz Fest this year. I haven't been in two years, and I'll be working part of it, helping my dad stage manage the Senior Center Stage.

Just wishing I wasn't so broke. But I guess you can't have everything in life.

And of course, I miss Travis. He's really so ridiculously wonderful. Not sure how I landed such a good guy. I can't wait to see him again! (He said something earlier this week about visiting this weekend... I hope that's still a go.) I also can't wait till he moves back... he's getting closer and closer to that point every day. Yay. :-)

Well, I'm excited to go skating again tonight with Deni and Joey. We've made it so that every Thursday we get together and go skating at Eureka Park. It's a good work-out, plus we get to have girl talk. It's super fun.

I could ramble some more about other things, but I think I'll just leave it at this: My life is so much better than it was a year ago. ^.^

Be Your Own Star

Yes, it's been far too long since my last post. I give up on trying to blog regularly.

School's been going fairly well. I could probably be doing a little better and trying a little harder, but it's not bad. I'll be fine, I think. Just take it one day at a time. I love the theatre department at TWU, and the people there are pretty awesome. I'm still not fully integrated, but I have a feeling that once I do a show or two (next semester), I will be.

Feast of Plays was a total success. Had a pretty good audience every night, and our opening night had the most people ever at a Fight Boy opening night, as well as our last show having the second largest audience Fight Boy has ever seen. My show, Shades of Grey, went particularly well, and my cast was awesome. We closed last weekend, and I'm missing the show pretty badly. I can't wait to do the next show, which will be What Really Happened (A Completely Accurate and Unbiased History of Denton, TX). I plan to audition. I miss being onstage.

Oh yeah, I dyed my hair purple.

Right now, I'm just trying to get through the rest of the semester, keep my social life afloat, and start on a new writing project. I wanted to start on my novel next, and have been thinking a lot about it this past week, but this morning I woke up with the urgent notion that my next project has got to be a full-length play. Considering I don't have any idea as to what that should be about, we'll see if that's really what's next or not. I have no clue. I just know that I gotta get to writing soon.

And of course, I miss Travis a lot. He's doing really well out in Shreveport, and getting closer every day to moving back. This is exciting. I need him back in my zip code. Thank goodness he has a cell phone now - we've been texting a great deal. It helps.

There's a lot more I wish I could say, but it's not for the public. Just a bunch of emotional crap that only I can deal with and figure out. Oh the joys of "finding yourself." :-/

"Go on, be your own star...you're always a star in my eyes." -Blue October

School! ...and stuff...

Well, it's 5:30 AM and I am somehow totally unable to sleep. So I guess it's blog time.

Today is my first day at Texas Woman's University! I am a Theatre Education major. I'm really excited about the theatre department there and what they have to offer. I feel so silly though - I can't believe it took me this long to figure out that I want to be a theatre teacher and that I want to go to TWU. These are two things that I pretty much flat out resisted in high school. I have no idea what was wrong with me at the time, but now I feel like it's totally the right thing. And I mean, I really feel it. I am absolutely pumped for this semester!

Auditions for Feast of Plays: Sloppy Seconds (the Fight Boy Theatre play festival that will feature my own one-act, Shades of Grey) are next week, and I'm a bit nervous. Gotta get my sides picked out. Gotta get sides and scripts printed for all of us. Gotta talk up the auditions so a bunch of people show up. Gotta be a director and stuff.

And I've still got that idea for that novel kicking around in my head. I usually have a long "percolation period" before I actually start writing, and that's just for the short stuff I've written. I imagine this percolation period could last anywhere between another few weeks to another year, considering the magnitude of this project. This novel is not going to go away though. It's a story that's gotta get told.

Oh yeah, and I miss Travis a ton. He visited last weekend, and it was absolutely amazing and all, but y'know, it's just never enough. He needs to move back pronto, because I thoroughly miss seeing him every day.

I am still boggled at how I'm up this early... O.o