You can't sing.

You can't sing. Something I have told and told, and argued with, myself for about 9 years. I did an experiment this evening to confirm or deny this statement.

I have a long, sordid history with singing. As an actress, I have done musicals. In middle school, I was in choir. And I have belted out tunes with friends like anyone else. But one too many times have I choked up during an audition, or gotten that "look" from friends and family that quietly told me to shut up.

The first time I remember freaking out while singing in front of people, I was auditioning for The Wizard of Oz. I was 8. I had brought music to sing a song that I sang in my church choir. It was familiar to me (at the time; I have since forgotten what the hell that song even was), and I thought I'd do just great. Instead, the accompanist started in the wrong place, I got confused, and I panicked. I was terrible.

I was cast, but wouldn't ya know I was the only Munchkin without a solo line?

Ever since then, I've had a really hard time with getting up and singing in front of an audience. Especially with live accompaniment.

On top of that, in middle school (mind you, extremely formative years), the subject of my singing was endless heartache to me. Some people said, yes, you're good, not great but good, you're fine, you can carry a tune, etc. I wanted to be so much more. I wanted to have a really great voice, one you would like to listen to instead of merely tolerate. There was some drama when it came to choir, an endless popularity contest, and being a geek I was always crushed.

I guess I just wanted to play those roles in musicals. I love musicals. I love the music of musicals. For a long time, original cast recordings of Broadway and West End shows was pretty much the entirety of my music library. These were the only songs that, for whatever reason, truly touched my soul. Probably due to the blend of music and my one true love, theatre.

So for many years, I have rarely ventured to a musical audition. When I have garnered such courage, I have choked up, squeaked out my audition song in an unknown key, and sworn off the entire process all over again. You can't sing, I'd say to myself. Why the hell did you even try?

But... there has always been something inside me that needed to sing. Absolutely needed it. It's super cathartic to sing, especially those grandiose show tunes I love so much, and I can't stand the thought of never, ever getting to pour out my soul to an audience in that vehicle.

So tonight, I was alone in the apartment, and I was singing, and I thought "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. I wish I could hear it like other people do, to know for sure." And then it dawned on me that I can. I can record that shit and play it back. I've got an app on my phone.

Minutes later, I'm recording verses, playing them back, and listening carefully. Mmm, yep. That was off. Oh, that was good. Hey, not too shabby. Oh, flat again. A little too breathy. I picked apart my renditions of various songs ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow," "Amazing Grace," "On My Own," and "The Wizard and I" just to name a few) for a good 20 or 30 minutes. And you know what I heard?

I heard a good voice. A completely untrained voice, to be sure, and I need a lot of work. But the voice itself was good. At times, on certain notes, maybe even great. And as I sang, I got better even over those 20 minutes. I was correcting my technique, tightening my diaphragm, playing with the shape of my mouth.

Holy shit, y'all. I can sing. I just need to practice.

For the first time in nearly a decade, I actually have hope that one of my dreams might be possible. To play a lead in a musical. I have a lot of work to do to get there, but it's not impossible.

And that just made my night.