You can't sing.

You can't sing. Something I have told and told, and argued with, myself for about 9 years. I did an experiment this evening to confirm or deny this statement.

I have a long, sordid history with singing. As an actress, I have done musicals. In middle school, I was in choir. And I have belted out tunes with friends like anyone else. But one too many times have I choked up during an audition, or gotten that "look" from friends and family that quietly told me to shut up.

The first time I remember freaking out while singing in front of people, I was auditioning for The Wizard of Oz. I was 8. I had brought music to sing a song that I sang in my church choir. It was familiar to me (at the time; I have since forgotten what the hell that song even was), and I thought I'd do just great. Instead, the accompanist started in the wrong place, I got confused, and I panicked. I was terrible.

I was cast, but wouldn't ya know I was the only Munchkin without a solo line?

Ever since then, I've had a really hard time with getting up and singing in front of an audience. Especially with live accompaniment.

On top of that, in middle school (mind you, extremely formative years), the subject of my singing was endless heartache to me. Some people said, yes, you're good, not great but good, you're fine, you can carry a tune, etc. I wanted to be so much more. I wanted to have a really great voice, one you would like to listen to instead of merely tolerate. There was some drama when it came to choir, an endless popularity contest, and being a geek I was always crushed.

I guess I just wanted to play those roles in musicals. I love musicals. I love the music of musicals. For a long time, original cast recordings of Broadway and West End shows was pretty much the entirety of my music library. These were the only songs that, for whatever reason, truly touched my soul. Probably due to the blend of music and my one true love, theatre.

So for many years, I have rarely ventured to a musical audition. When I have garnered such courage, I have choked up, squeaked out my audition song in an unknown key, and sworn off the entire process all over again. You can't sing, I'd say to myself. Why the hell did you even try?

But... there has always been something inside me that needed to sing. Absolutely needed it. It's super cathartic to sing, especially those grandiose show tunes I love so much, and I can't stand the thought of never, ever getting to pour out my soul to an audience in that vehicle.

So tonight, I was alone in the apartment, and I was singing, and I thought "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. I wish I could hear it like other people do, to know for sure." And then it dawned on me that I can. I can record that shit and play it back. I've got an app on my phone.

Minutes later, I'm recording verses, playing them back, and listening carefully. Mmm, yep. That was off. Oh, that was good. Hey, not too shabby. Oh, flat again. A little too breathy. I picked apart my renditions of various songs ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow," "Amazing Grace," "On My Own," and "The Wizard and I" just to name a few) for a good 20 or 30 minutes. And you know what I heard?

I heard a good voice. A completely untrained voice, to be sure, and I need a lot of work. But the voice itself was good. At times, on certain notes, maybe even great. And as I sang, I got better even over those 20 minutes. I was correcting my technique, tightening my diaphragm, playing with the shape of my mouth.

Holy shit, y'all. I can sing. I just need to practice.

For the first time in nearly a decade, I actually have hope that one of my dreams might be possible. To play a lead in a musical. I have a lot of work to do to get there, but it's not impossible.

And that just made my night.

Long time no see.

Wow, two years. I guess wasn't kidding when I said I wouldn't be updating regularly.

I can't say what exactly prompted me to come back to this blog, but it's been gnawing at me here and there over the past couple of years, so here I am.

There is so much, of course, that has happened since I last posted. I can't possibly cover it all. I did three semesters at TWU before I had to go on extended hiatus due to financial aid problems. I worked at UNT for over a year. Travis moved back to Denton and we're still totes together (though we've been through some rocky moments, as young couples tend to do), and now we're in our own apartment (yay for independence!). I've been to NYC to see my sister graduate with her Master's. I've been in a car accident that left a huge scar on my left arm. I now work full-time for Springbok Academy, a preschool, teaching the "big babies" and the 18-24 months class. And I just started going to Denton Unitarian Universalist Fellowship about a month ago.

I guess it's that last part that brings me here. A need to talk about my spiritual life. Funny, considering my last post two whole years ago.

So, to go back, what I had posted about then did not change for a long time. I was still torn, still embarrassed, still searching.

Then... I don't know. Something changed. Travis and I moved from my parents' place into our apartment at the beginning of February, and at about that time, my search kicked into high gear. Within a couple of weeks I had visited Mardel, the Christian supply store, and bought some books, the most important of which was a very pretty, very nice Bible.

I still have my pagan books stacked prominently next to my side of the bed. But I have some Christian books there, too. And then I have two books entitled Christopaganism and The Path of a Christian Witch. Since reading those books, Christianity and Paganism have come to a peaceful agreement in my heart. Trouble was, I now needed to not be alone in my spiritual path. I needed to talk to people, to feel a part of something.

So, I started looking for a church. I almost, almost ended up going to a friend's hellfire-and-brimstone church (something I'll probably never be able to get fully behind), just because I wanted to go with someone. But I remembered DUUF, a place I had known about for a very long time, but I had never had the cajones to go there. I decided, ultimately, that my need for an open-minded group far outweighed my insecurity in journeying alone, and about four weeks ago, I went.

I am truly thankful to God that I have finally found a place I belong. I have been to DUUF every Sunday morning since my first time, and am now looking to become a member. This is a congregation that doesn't care if you're Christian, Buddhist, Pagan (they have a Pagan group, CUUPs!), Hindu, or agnostic, just so long as you're respectful of everyone's beliefs and you're getting something out of the services. From what I understand (and I'm about to learn more tomorrow at the "New to UU Orientation"), Unitarian Universalism IS its own faith, and one that seems to be very much aligned with my own beliefs, but it is not an exclusive one. You can be a Christopagan Unitarian Universalist. It's a long name, for sure, but it's allowed.

I just hope that I don't end up changing my mind again. This seems more right, more permanent, and I feel very supported in this community, so I don't think I will, anyway. I'm so happy with where I'm at spiritually.

Most of all, though, I think I'm just so happy to finally be able to talk about it. After years of tight-lipped embarrassment, I'm finally getting over my self-consciousness about my beliefs. I'm finding myself telling my friends about going to church, and about why I'm there. And it's okay. Because if someone rejects me because of my faith, they have no business being in my life, because I don't want to be friends with someone who would do that - to anyone.

I may be broke, I may wonder if this is the right job for me, and I may not be able to get back into school, but I am very strong in my faith that God will help me through it all, and I'm not ashamed to say so. :)

Struggling with faith and religion

WARNING. Long and rambling, with potentially controversial topics. Proceed at your own risk.

I don't often talk about my religious/spiritual beliefs because a) it's usually not appropriate for casual conversation, and, more importantly, b) I can get kind of "out there" with them, and am super self-conscious about it. I also get uncomfortable when many of my Christian friends quote the Bible or speak in a religious manner, even though I have absolutely nothing against their beliefs. I think that, much like one's sex life, spiritual beliefs should be a private matter. However, lately the concept of faith and religion have been weighing fairly heavily on my mind. Which, I guess, is not hugely different than usual, because I have always been a pretty spiritual person (much to some peoples' surprise, I am sure) and am actually incredibly fascinated with religion. I grew up in a pretty non-religious household, so the thought of being religious is both repulsive and compelling to me.

As a kid, I was encouraged to discover and follow my own beliefs, whatever they might be, as long as they weren't harmful to anyone. In elementary school, I wanted to go to Sunday school like everybody else did, so my parents dutifully dropped me off every Sunday for a couple of years. When I was in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade, my mom was into Wicca, Paganism, and New Age spirituality. You know, quartz crystals and all that jazz. She has since lost interest, but where she dropped it, I took off with it. I made the mistake of telling kids at school I was a witch, and received endless torment. I tried to stick up for my beliefs (even if they were, at first, a little misguided - I really thought that witchcraft was like it was in Harry Potter. I learned that that wasn't the case pretty quickly.), but as I got older, I became more interested in fitting in and being "normal". There were a couple of times that I decided to "repent" and be a Christian, but I always went back to Paganism. Each time, though, I became less and less vocal about it. Today, it is actually a little painful for me to reveal my interest in such a "weirdo" religion. I even have a hard time speaking - or typing - the words "witch" or "witchcraft." It fills me with crippling embarrassment and I'm terrified that friends and acquaintances will write me off as one of those delusional hippie freaks. And honestly, it's really because I myself am terrified that I actually am one of those people, despite the fact that I know, logically, I'm simply just a little more open-minded than others.

On the other hand, I cannot deny that I am drawn to certain aspects of Christianity. It's much more simple to have just the one God, and I crave the structure and organization it possesses. I can't deny the appeal of its mainstream status and how accessible it is. I also truly believe in the things that Jesus preached, as well as the Ten Commandments (common sense, really). However, I have a hard time accepting most everything else in the Bible as truth. So, to actually be what most people define as Christian would be a major problem for me.

On top of all of this, I feel like my beliefs contradict each other in that one part of me feels like religion in general is a ridiculous concept invented by man, and another part of me is inexorably drawn to being extremely religious. And, I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about my musings and questions, because it's a weird, outta nowhere topic for pretty much all of my close friends. So, hello world, that's where this blog post is coming from.

I suppose that it comes down to answering the question, "What do I really believe?" But it's not that simple, because I don't fully know, and it changes a lot. I know this is something that most thinking people go through, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of what I have to say on this topic, but I've rambled quite a bit already, and I'm starting to not make sense (I am having to revise each sentence over and over), as I am a bit exhausted and it is late. I am sure I will revisit this subject at a later date and elaborate more on my thoughts and feelings. Good night world, I have a bed to get to, and class at 9 in the morning.

Life is (mostly) good.

So, my one Thursday class was cancelled this morning, and I have alllll day to do whatever I please. Yeah, there are some things that really need to get done today, but knowing me, I'll leave them till like, late tonight. Because if there is one thing in this world I'm really good at, it's procrastination.

School's been alright, though every single one of my professors seem to be physically incapable of posting grades, so I'm not 100% sure how I'm doing in my classes. English is the one I'm most anxious about, next to History. It's hard to focus on core classes when your major is so demanding. I'm pretty sure I'll pass, but I'd really like to come through with at least a B. An A in either of those classes is nearly impossible at this point.

I'm excited to start on Fight Boy Theatre's new show, What Actually Happened (An Unbiased and Entirely Accurate History of Denton, TX). Auditions are April 17 and 18, and I'm just gonna be an actor this time around. I've also taken over the Facebook page and the Twitter account, and I'm especially proud of my work on Twitter account, as I went in and made the profile look pretty.

Finally started writing some of my novel. I have a feeling this little project is going to take me years.

I am looking to put in an application to The Lasso, TWU's newspaper. They have a Staff Writer position open, and I think I am perfect for the job. I'm just waiting for them to get back to me about how to apply. Cross your fingers for me, I really want this.

I'm just still astounded at how much I really love my school. I actually have some school spirit. Having hated school all my life, I'm pleasantly shocked at this new feeling. I love the campus, the professors, and the students. It's actually sort of fun, if you can call school fun. However... I am ready for this semester to be over. I'm a little worn out.

I'm also looking forward to Arts & Jazz Fest this year. I haven't been in two years, and I'll be working part of it, helping my dad stage manage the Senior Center Stage.

Just wishing I wasn't so broke. But I guess you can't have everything in life.

And of course, I miss Travis. He's really so ridiculously wonderful. Not sure how I landed such a good guy. I can't wait to see him again! (He said something earlier this week about visiting this weekend... I hope that's still a go.) I also can't wait till he moves back... he's getting closer and closer to that point every day. Yay. :-)

Well, I'm excited to go skating again tonight with Deni and Joey. We've made it so that every Thursday we get together and go skating at Eureka Park. It's a good work-out, plus we get to have girl talk. It's super fun.

I could ramble some more about other things, but I think I'll just leave it at this: My life is so much better than it was a year ago. ^.^

Be Your Own Star

Yes, it's been far too long since my last post. I give up on trying to blog regularly.

School's been going fairly well. I could probably be doing a little better and trying a little harder, but it's not bad. I'll be fine, I think. Just take it one day at a time. I love the theatre department at TWU, and the people there are pretty awesome. I'm still not fully integrated, but I have a feeling that once I do a show or two (next semester), I will be.

Feast of Plays was a total success. Had a pretty good audience every night, and our opening night had the most people ever at a Fight Boy opening night, as well as our last show having the second largest audience Fight Boy has ever seen. My show, Shades of Grey, went particularly well, and my cast was awesome. We closed last weekend, and I'm missing the show pretty badly. I can't wait to do the next show, which will be What Really Happened (A Completely Accurate and Unbiased History of Denton, TX). I plan to audition. I miss being onstage.

Oh yeah, I dyed my hair purple.

Right now, I'm just trying to get through the rest of the semester, keep my social life afloat, and start on a new writing project. I wanted to start on my novel next, and have been thinking a lot about it this past week, but this morning I woke up with the urgent notion that my next project has got to be a full-length play. Considering I don't have any idea as to what that should be about, we'll see if that's really what's next or not. I have no clue. I just know that I gotta get to writing soon.

And of course, I miss Travis a lot. He's doing really well out in Shreveport, and getting closer every day to moving back. This is exciting. I need him back in my zip code. Thank goodness he has a cell phone now - we've been texting a great deal. It helps.

There's a lot more I wish I could say, but it's not for the public. Just a bunch of emotional crap that only I can deal with and figure out. Oh the joys of "finding yourself." :-/

"Go on, be your own star...you're always a star in my eyes." -Blue October

School! ...and stuff...

Well, it's 5:30 AM and I am somehow totally unable to sleep. So I guess it's blog time.

Today is my first day at Texas Woman's University! I am a Theatre Education major. I'm really excited about the theatre department there and what they have to offer. I feel so silly though - I can't believe it took me this long to figure out that I want to be a theatre teacher and that I want to go to TWU. These are two things that I pretty much flat out resisted in high school. I have no idea what was wrong with me at the time, but now I feel like it's totally the right thing. And I mean, I really feel it. I am absolutely pumped for this semester!

Auditions for Feast of Plays: Sloppy Seconds (the Fight Boy Theatre play festival that will feature my own one-act, Shades of Grey) are next week, and I'm a bit nervous. Gotta get my sides picked out. Gotta get sides and scripts printed for all of us. Gotta talk up the auditions so a bunch of people show up. Gotta be a director and stuff.

And I've still got that idea for that novel kicking around in my head. I usually have a long "percolation period" before I actually start writing, and that's just for the short stuff I've written. I imagine this percolation period could last anywhere between another few weeks to another year, considering the magnitude of this project. This novel is not going to go away though. It's a story that's gotta get told.

Oh yeah, and I miss Travis a ton. He visited last weekend, and it was absolutely amazing and all, but y'know, it's just never enough. He needs to move back pronto, because I thoroughly miss seeing him every day.

I am still boggled at how I'm up this early... O.o

A "Real" Writer

Hahaha, I'm never going to update regularly, am I? We should all just accept this (including myself) and move on.

I visited Travis recently for more than a week! This was due to the fact that I got a cold while I was in Shreveport, and wasn't going to travel unless I was feeling at least 90% better, so we didn't actually get to do much, BUT... cuddling with him all week was AWESOME. I am seriously in love with that fool. :-)

And then... I got sick again. But I went to the doctor yesterday, and the antibiotics he gave me are handy-dandy: I feel so much better already. Hopefully, my immune system will be tamed back into submission after this, instead of being a lazy slacker.

Speaking of lazy slackers... I don't have a job. Truth be told, I haven't even been looking. I don't want a job. My mother is starting to get massively pissed about this, especially since she had to pay for the expensive doctor visit.... but I seriously just want TWU and/or Chase Bank (via student loan) to give me lots of money to go to school instead. I mean, going to school full time and doing a bunch of shows, I'm not going to have time for a job. I mean, yes, it's technically possible, but working and doing Drood nearly killed me. Working, shows, and school!? No, thank you. In the meantime though... don't expect any Christmas presents from yours truly. My bank account is a wasteland.

BUT, cool news: I'm nearly finished polishing a new script for Fight Boy Theatre's Feast Of Plays II, and I'm directing as well! Yayness! It needs a title ASAP for marketing purposes, and I'm working on it. I think I've decided on one, but it kind of needs to roll around in my head for just a bit.

Also, Half Empty got Honorable Mention by associate critic Laura Watson in The Column (a regional publication of theatre reviews) for Best New Play of 2010. That's pretty nifty around these here parts, so I'm quite proud of it.

The best thing about all of this... is that I feel like a real writer now. And I have so many more plans, writing-wise. It's all very exciting.

running out of steam

As my last post indicated, I was starting to get ridiculously busy. Well, it's dwindling down now, and as of Monday, I will suddenly find myself with absolutely nothing to do. Which is good, really, for a little bit, since my bedroom is a disaster area, and I haven't had time to write or draw at all. But then the lack of paychecks will become noticeable...

My anniversary weekend with Travis was altogether much too short - I was far too busy half the time to pay him adequate attention, and when I could do so, I was far too tired for it to be entirely exciting. He was, as always, the sweetest and most patient boyfriend one could ask for, and it's not hard to see why we made it so easily through two years together, and I fully expect plenty more to come. :-D

Tomorrow is my last day at Rose Costumes, and I'm not too thrilled. I'm extremely disappointed I was not selected to stay on, and I have to wonder what I did wrong. It's my dream job (as far as entry-level goes), and I don't know how I'll find that kind of workplace satisfaction anywhere else, anytime soon. I am at least happy that they didn't hate me, and therefore didn't fire me, unlike a certain other costume shop did last Halloween season.

Sunday marks the end of Drood as well, and I'll be sad to strike that set. It's been a good cast and crew to work with, and an enjoyable enough piece to perform. I'm looking forward to the cast party tonight.

I auditioned for Proof on Tuesday, and I did not even get called back. Another disappointment. Since I felt I gave a solid enough reading, I can only imagine that the director, whom I have known since childhood, either A) has completely written me off as a talented and/or dedicated actress, a feeling I got from her all through high school, or B) never intended to cast the role with someone so young. Or perhaps it was both reasons. Either way, it's been a bit of a struggle to soothe my bitter feelings.

And so, come Monday, with no Travis, no job, and neither show to rehearse or perform, I fear I may find myself quite down in the dumps. Just writing about it has made me a little blue.

However, I did finally put in my TWU application today, so hopefully I'll get accepted, and then will have school to look forward to. I need something.

Procrastinating getting ready for work

Arg! It's been nearly a month... again...

So, while I put off getting ready for work until the last possible minute, I'll just ramble about what's going on in life.

Yes, I did indeed say "getting ready for work." I have possibly the coolest job in the universe, even if it is temporary. For this Halloween season, I'm working at Rose Costumes here in town. I'm convinced it's the most magical costume shop in the world, with the heavily decorated themed rooms and dressing rooms, over 5,000 costumes, and you follow the trail of chickens on the ceiling that eventually turn into rats to get to the Sherlock Holmes bathroom. And I mean, when "The Secret Room" and "The Secret Secret Room" are part of your workplace vocabulary, you know you have fun on the job. The only downside is that I'm working full time at a costume shop during its busiest season while working on Drood at the same time, which is getting closer and closer to opening night. Exhaustion is quickly becoming my middle name.

But, I'm really liking the fact that having a job means getting paid.

So, let's start a countdown to the 29th, which is the opening night of Drood, the Friday of Rose Costume's busiest weekend, and last but certainly not least, the day Travis is going to come visit me!!! I miss him like fire, and it's been over two months now since I last saw him.

Today is thirteen days until the 29th. Just under two weeks!!!

To-Do List

+ Clean my room.

+ Get a job.

+ Visit my grandmother.

+ Go to Rose Costumes to try on my costume for Drood.

+ Schedule a session with the diction coach for Drood.

+ Take my box o' books to Recycled Books to sell.

+ Work on drawing Two Weeks Past Forever, the comic Travis is writing.

+ Work on characters and outline for my still-untitled novel.

+ Work on blog idea with Deni.

+ Write a freakin' poem every now and then.

+ Write a short story.

+ Go to Drood rehearsal most week days.

+ Maintain some sort of social life.

+ Read my library books before they're due.

YES, I can be an actress, artist, and writer all at the same time.